singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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