I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
