my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
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