woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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