meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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