i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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