i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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