my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
