Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
