i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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