i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
