So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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