My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
