We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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