i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
