So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
