Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
