Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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