mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
