Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Randomize
