I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
