Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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