How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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