chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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