i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We left an ass print on the piano.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
