OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
