Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
