there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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