why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
