How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
