Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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