Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
