you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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