I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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