Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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