I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
