'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
