My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
