mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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