from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
