so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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