I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
