I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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