last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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