Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
