3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
