I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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