She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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