I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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