Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize