I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
