he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
