What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
