So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Randomize