An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
