mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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