you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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