walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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